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PAINT IT BLACK

I’ve always been fairly philosophical about my various health problems, so it came as some surprise when I sank into a sort of “black hole” one day last week. There I was, writing my blog, and this sudden wave of shadows flooded over me. I stopped writing and just sat staring at my laptop wondering why I was bothering. In fact, it quickly became obvious to me that there really was little point in bothering about anything. I started writing again; but stopped a second time and sat feeling angry with myself. What did I have to be depressed about compared to some people? Hate is too weak a word to express the emotions I experienced – I can only describe it as like riding a roller coaster, and tried to stand back and look at it objectively – only I couldn’t. Motivation to do anything flies out the window.

Damn everyone else – what was wrong with being concerned about my own problems?
I guess the discussion with my Haematology Consultant started it. What he said about repairing the hole in my heart made sense – chemotherapy affects all your blood cells, including your platelets, and warfarin plus low platelets is a recipe for bleeding big time.
Active Rheumatoid arthritis, the Protein C deficiency, Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia, a possible liver problem, and now? More waiting to hear from the Cardiologists. Even an operation is high risk because of the drugs/leukaemia combo.

The "sod life, the universe and everyone else" passed after about an hour, but it’s been a regular visitor since then. I sit and cry, see no point in anything, and I hate myself because, to me, it feels like self-pity. I’m fine in between, but never know when it will hit. I’ve never experienced depression in my life, and it is a ghastly, hideous feeling. This simply isn’t me – not my normal “me”. This is another me – a second me that appears out of the blackness – swoops down and brings the blackness with it – fills every corner of me with a darkness beyond the normal darkness of the darkest night.

I feel guilty about putting these thoughts on paper – well, on this virtual paper anyway. I’m sure many people who read my blog will think the same as I do right now – there’s people out there a lot worse than him. You’re right, there is.

I try to rationalise these emotions when I’m feeling fine – is it chemicals causing this to happen? Is it the result of circumstances? The human brain is one of the most complex mechanisms, and trying to analyse what is happening in someone else’s head, ( almost impossible at the best of times), is a whole lot easier than trying to analyse yourself.
No, I’m not going to the doctor. I know she looks upon me as a challenge, and we get on well; but no way am I taking any mind altering drugs – I even refuse to take Cocodamol for the pain because it screws my brain up. And if I go talk to her, what else can she do? I’m managing it OK for now. If it gets worse? Not something I am prepared to think about right now. I’ve become adept recently at switching off anything further ahead than the end of next week. The future is 9 o’clock Monday morning – when I’m feeling fine anyway. When I’m not? The word “future” is meaningless.

I’ve got that out the way now. Back to writing more readable stuff in the next blog I hope. Sorry folks.

See ya

WOUNDED MILITARY AND A CHILD TAKEN

Tim Samuels did it again last night with the second in the series of Power to the People. This was about the abandoned soldier and how many fall through the cracks – become one more neglected statistic in spite of being injured in the line of duty.
Yes, I may slam the USA over many things; but I lived there for 2 years – my friend is a Veteran and I saw the facilities offered to veterans. The USA has special hospitals for Veterans – the American public respect their veterans. We in the UK should be ashamed of the way ex-service people are often treated. We remember the dead – what about those living - those injured, often permanently? We close what few hospitals they have. The government claims they get better treatment in NHS hospitals where the medical staff have more experience. Isn’t it a case of saving money? Isn’t it a case of saving money on treatment of injured military so more money’s available for the civil wars in Iraq and Afghanistan? They throw more money into Iraq and Afghanistan every week, and yet when it comes to our injured military personnel, they throw money around like a man with no arms. Priority treatment on the NHS is supposed to be the rule of thumb for injured British military. I wouldn’t call 7 months waiting for extreme pain where a limb’s been amputated priority treatment – would you?
The Queen is head of the armed forces. She may not be personally responsible, bur surely there is something she could, or should, do if she can? Surely she is as morally guilty as the government Ministry of Defence? Or are our ex-service people just retired canon fodder? Do we give a damn about them, or would we prefer it if they kept quiet and accepted what had happened - fade into the background?
Remembrance Sunday for the fallen? One day a year for those who died.
How many for those who survived? NONE!
I had thought about it before I watched the programme – I’ve read the news about military hospital closures and remember the facilities offered by the USA Veterans association.
Our government wants to emulate the USA – do something about taking a bloody good look at the VA and then compare it to the crappy way we treat our military after their service to the country has left them wounded or disabled.

My sympathies are with this McCann family and their missing daughter sure; but how come educated parents leave their child alone in that apartment and go have dinner? 5 metres or 50 metres. Who in their right mind leaves their child alone for one minute and in a foreign country? The publicity attached to this whole saga is getting out of hand. I wonder if the same enormous involvement of celebrities and hype would have occurred had it been a working class or black kid instead of a middle-class professional family? Kids go missing every year, and yet nothing on this scale has ever been seen before. The public quickly become tired of news – will the family’s attempts to keep it in the public domain cause more harm than good? I, for one, am tired of seeing yellow ribbons everywhere I look. I guess this missing child of a white, English professional couple is far more important than the 100’s of kids being blown up in Ghaza and Iraq. Has anyone given this much attention to the BBC reporter Alan in Ghaza? No! And yes, I did sign a petition calling for his release.

See ya

TO TALK OF MANY THINGS

I watched the BAFTA, (British Academy of Film and Television Arts), last night and Joan Rivers was one of the presenters. Apart from mutton dressed up as lamb, she was foul-mouthed and an embarrassment – drunk? Who knows. Maybe she always acts like that. Please USA, keep her at home – she is a really bad ambassador for your country.

The Cutty Sark, a beautiful tea clipper that is a wonderful part of England’s heritage burned last night. It was being refitted, and many timbers were off the ship; but the damage is extensive from footage after the fire was put out and there is talk of suspicious circumstances. What in God’s name would anyone get from trying to destroy something so precious? A sick psycho ar best for sure.
My mistake, I know. I should never have signed that petition for Paris Hilton, even if I did add a comment that she should go to jail and stay there, away from the public view, for the rest of her natural life.
I have now received an e-mail asking me to sign an updated petition, and the rhetoric touches my heart – made the atrial fibrillation worse.
Like the original, it begs me to sign so that she can be saved from being treated as what she really is, an ordinary human being. Poor thing! It states “Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton.” So, she’s stinking rich? An obvious reason for letting her off the hook I guess. For the benefit of my USA readers, you are shocked, dismayed, and appalled at these events, (bet you didn’t know that!). Says she is sincere, ( yeah, yeah), apologetic and full of regret.
It goes on to ask the Honourable Arnie to think about her welfare and sign, saving her from a fate worse than death – maybe working in the laundry, or God forbid!, cleaning the toilets! What a lovely thought! Paris in prison garb, a loo brush in her hand.
God Bless Paris – it’s nice to know the USA has its very own Essex girls, albeit a rich one. You don’t know what an Essex girl is? Look it up on the web. Anyone who can write a whole book on her dog, (especially a Chihuahua), can’t be all good. I’m surprised really the dog didn’t figure in her sex video too. God help America if she’s the role model for 1,000’s of teenage girls.
You would think that a judge, especially a crown court judge, is somewhat more intelligent and in-touch than me – more in touch with what goes on in the word around him. Think again – a judge at Woolwich Crown Court, London said that we was not sure what a web site was! Are the cartoons depicting judges as old fossils past their prime a joke, or for real in some cases? I wouldn’t imagine for one minute he’d be downloading the latest Beyonce or Christine songs; but surely someone in his position should be aware of such terms, and use web sites for research too? Get the quill pen out and see if Bob Cratchet’s available to take notes. Oh, and by the way, make sure his pony and trap are waiting outside once the trial’s over.
Come to think of it, (and he is only 59), shouldn’t the judge take a quick course seeing as this is a terror trial and heavily involves this new-fangled thingy called laptops or web stuff. What the hells that eh? Anything to do with spiders by any chance? Maybe it’s those silly wigs they wear - cause brain damage like mobile phones. Mobile phones? Never knew phones could move. Bloody wonderful this modern age, eh what? Is it true that people actually travel around on these horse drawn omnibuses? Heard that people are riding in horseless carriages too, although I don’t believe a word. It’ll never catch on.

See ya

OF KIDS AND GUNS AND WAITING

What sort of man gets his 10-month old son a gun permit? Sorry to say my USA cousins, but there’s something sick about a society where this can happen. Would someone explain to me this obsession with owning a gun? Is it for protection against all the other 1,000’s of people who are out there waiting to shoot you? Is it a “man” thing – you know, the great outdoors and buddies shooting crap out of the wildlife? How does a private organisation like the NRA have so much political power? Even the “so he claimed” peace-loving John F Kennedy accepted life membership – how come? Dumb questions maybe – but a whole lot dumber letting the general public own guns in my opinion.
Statistics speak for themselves. Gun deaths in the UK are 0.01 per 1,000 – USA 0.3 per 1,000. 30 times the rate. Think that might just be connected to gun ownership?
I lived in the USA for 2 years and still don’t understand the obsession with the right to carry a gun. I prefer the right to go to school or go shopping without fear of being gunned down myself.
Is it some sort of “real man” thing? A visible symbol of male virility? If so, it sure is more dangerous than the original.
There is hope for sure – the NRA have a list of blacklisted celebrities and organisations. It includes, American medical associations, churches and law firms. Celebrities include Oprah Winfrey, Bon Jovi. Sean Connery, George Clooney and Madonna, to name but a few. Shame more politicians aren’t on the list.
Go stick that in your rifle butt Charlton Heston and all who sail with you.

I wrote a short while ago about the 200th anniversary of the end of the slave trade, and questioned why people felt they needed an apology for something that happened so long ago – why people felt the need to apologise for something they were not responsible for. How about more recent incidents, such as the forced emigration of British children during World War II to Australia? How about the government, or whatever agency was involved, apologising to the man who is still living and who only recently discovered his parents were not dead at the time he was deported? The parents who were told their child had died, whereas he had been shipped out down under? Makes the self-righteous cry for apologies over the slave trade even more hypocritical given none of that trade’s survivors still live, whereas many of kids deported during World War II do. Could it be anything to do with a sort of reverse racial bias? Whatever, it makes the recent sanctimonious speeches about the slave trade turn my stomach.
Luckily a Social Worker in Nottingham where I live took the matter into her own hands and started a charity to try and reunite people. Shame a lot of the kids deported are dead now and will never know the deception practised on them.

I have never been a patient person, and I guess this waiting for results, hospital appointments etc. should have made me more patient, only it hasn’t. Yes, I know, accept what has happened and it will fade into the background – might be easier if there wasn’t so much going on health-wise. Arthritis, the inherited clotting problem and leukaemia – all were sort of woven into the general tapestry of my life fairly soon after the last was diagnosed– now along comes the probability of the hole in my heart being closed. Not even that is simple, because any surgery involves an increased risk of infection given the leukaemia and the drugs I take for the arthritis; the anticoagulants I take involve an increased risk of bleeding; will the operation improve or make worse the atrial fibrillation I already have? No, I am not depressed or wallowing in self-pity. I just hate not knowing. I have always needed to understand any aspect of medicine because of my work in Pathology; but it’s a different ball game when you’re the patient and not the one involved in treatment. I’m not a difficult patient either – just bloody curious. I never realised before how often adverts and newspapers encourage us to think about the future. I hear people planning vacations or job plans for the next year, get asked about a possible holiday in Mexico next winter. Sorry folks, my time line for planning’s rather short right now – like about the next couple of weeks. I can’t see beyond that, and I know I should be able to, and that really pisses me off.
See ya

OF 'ARRY AND YER H'S

So Prince Harry is not going on a tour of duty to Iraq. This decision by the powers-that-be in the military has caused a lot of controversy here in England, much of it coming from families of those serving there. Harry would be a lovely target for the insurgents. Imagine the scoop for them if he was captured. Not only that, his presence will endanger the troops; BUT, he is a serving officer in the army, a Royal tradition, and as such should either go to Iraq or resign his commission- simple as that.
The anger of many people is understandable. One guy in the USA says Harry is a member of the Royal family and deserves a certain amount of respect. Not sure if that sort of forelock touching crap washes today. The Royals, Bush, Kennedys – whoever – are no different to the rest of us. They were all born, sit on the toilet every day and will die.
On the face of it I can understand peoples’ anger – it’s OK for their sons and daughters to die but not Royals. Nobody should be dying in such a pointless, asinine war. And what are Iraq’s Muslim brothers in neighbouring countries doing to help? Bugger all. Do you see any of their troops there? Of course not! They have their summits and bullshit for a few hours – they’re good at that. They love talking as long as they don’t actually have to do anything – the Irish joke translates so well here – how many Arabs to change a light bulb? Ten – one to put the light bulb in and nine to talk about it.
It’s a bloody insult to all the other brave troops fighting a war they can never win – an insult to relatives who wait for the bodies of their loved ones to come back. Bush and Blair had the foresight of ants when they started this cock-up, (sorry ants).
No, Harry should not go because he will place his troops in even greater danger than they are now. He should also resign and the Royal Family stop this dumb tradition of sons “doing their bit” in the armed forces – jolly good thing you know, what?


Ah yes tradition! Wonderful thing - maintain the old class system and all that. Anyone for a spot of hunting or golf, (pronounced gof. Such people have a ”hise” in the “cintry” with “grinds”, and go “orf” to exotic places for their hols. As per the pronunciation patterns practised by Mrs. Thatcher and most of the Conservative party until a few years ago).
I never did understand why certain people used such strange pronunciation. It was originally part of the class system, and as such denoted an educated intelligent individual belonging to what was called the “upper classes”. Eton and Harrow “public” schools stressed its use, as did certain universities such as Cambridge – Mrs. Thatcher being a typical example, her having come from Grantham in Lincolnshire where nobody talks about going “orf” somewhere – no one had a “hise”. Listen to old BBC TV productions and you will hear it. The “Sloane Rangers” used it in the 1980’s, and you can still hear it today. It’s not good English - It’s an affected, artificial English that belongs in the trash can. Regional accents were considered a sign of a lack of intelligence. Thank God for regional accents – they enrich our language.
This does not mean to say that bad English is acceptable. Reminds me of a joke from a now-defunct magazine called Punch. A taxi driver tell an obviously “upper class” woman driver to “sound yer ‘orn”. She replies “sound your h’s”.

See ya

TAXI DRIVERS, THE DRAGON AND A REAL NICE GUY CALLED TIM

The dragon, or a vision of the dragon, has been stirring for a few days now. For new readers of my blog, “The Dragon” is the name given to Chronic Lymphocytic Leukaemia. The only reason it was stirring was because of my appointment this morning. He’s gone back to sleep now for a while – the results were not bad. Well, not OK by normal standards, but my white count has not risen by much, and the absolute lymphocyte count has only increased slightly. Sleep well dragon and sleep well for a long time – please. Although asleep, he is causing problems still. I am on warfarin for an inherited clotting problem which, together with a hole in the heart and irregular heart beat has caused the strokes.
I decided I had lived with the hole for 60 years so leave well enough alone. However, (ain’t it always the same!!), the Consultant Haematologist informed me that if I need to start chemotherapy for the leukaemia, the warfarin could cause serious problems, and on his advice I now have to see the Consultant cardiologist about closing the hole. I’m sure the drugs I have taken for arthritis for 20 years are also in on the game too!
I’m a bit like a town that’s been hit by a number of tidal waves – not much else can flatten me now because there’s not much left to flatten!!
I’m still fairly philosophical, although every time I turn my thoughts to a future beyond a few weeks, something happens to bugger that up! I’m alive though, and feeling fairly healthy as long as my hands don’t get any worse. How about that guy without feet and me with no shoes? Sorry folks, as much as I sympathise with him, more worried about my shoes right now – they seem to be falling apart at an alarming rate! lol
Surprise, surprise. Sylvester Stallone has been caught trying to smuggle a human growth hormone called Jintropin into Aussie land. Not exactly earth-shattering news, is it? In case you didn’t know, Jintropin is supposed to reduce belly fat and aging wrinkles, plus increase muscle mass and boost your immune system. Is it any wonder he is like he is when his mother reads your arse for you? Send her $125 together with a photo of your backside and she’ll use it to tell you about your future – or past I guess under certain circumstances.
Tim Samuels is an investigative reporter for the BBC here in England. Not only is he a great reporter and makes wonderful programmes, he is sincere in what he does. Watched a programme last night in which he took the inhabitants, (cows and sheep too), of a Cornish village called Lanreath and dumped the lot on Islington green in London. The village was slowly dying, and he wanted to bring the loss of rural life to the attention of people. Great television, but also a reminder that these people living in small communities are just as important as city dwellers. The people of Islington looked bemused to see the animals, a huge back drop of the village, plus Morris dancers and others, filling their green. Of course officialdom stepped in, but not before they had made their point. Good for Tim – long may he continue to raise public awareness of serious issues.
I’m not quite sure I’d go to the 2008 Olympics, even if I could afford it. They are having “queue” training days for Beijing citizens to try and avoid the chaos that usually reigns on Beijing transport, and the taxi drivers are being told to clean up their act, literally and figuratively – drivers are being given special bags to spit in, rather than ejecting it out the window – plus they’re being encouraged to pay more attention to their hygiene. Inspectors will carry out “smell” tests before the games to ensure only the sweetest taxis are on duty for visitors. The mind boggles.

See ya